The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People
SparklePony
Posted 10/29/2018 10:50 AM (#755350)
Subject: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah! 

So I've heard (and seen) that this place has gotten pretty tame and kinda quiet. That's completely unacceptable. So let's liven it up around here. 

First, tell me your best PG-13 joke. Extra bonus points if it's about cigars. 

At my sole discretion, if I like your joke, I might, just *might* reward you with some well-aged, HTF cigars. 

If you disappoint me, you will be punished. 

Don't disappoint me. 

P.S. cfickter is disqualified from this contest. I've heard all his jokes. 
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shakinghorizons
Posted 10/29/2018 10:54 AM (#755351 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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kgqbb-CH-d
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05Venturer
Posted 10/29/2018 11:28 AM (#755352 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome home Oh Sparkly One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have missed you buddy
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Murphy223
Posted 10/29/2018 11:28 AM (#755353 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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A guy walks into a bar & asks for the Wifi Password:

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Guy: OK, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi ok?

Guy: Sure. How much ?

Bartender: $3.

Guy: Here you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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05Venturer
Posted 10/29/2018 11:29 AM (#755354 - in reply to #755352)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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05Venturer - 10/29/2018 11:28 AM

Welcome home Oh Sparkly One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have missed you buddy


And although it could be this^^^ is not my joke

Edited by 05Venturer 10/29/2018 11:29 AM
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SparklePony
Posted 10/29/2018 11:34 AM (#755355 - in reply to #755354)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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05Venturer - 10/29/2018 12:29 PM
05Venturer - 10/29/2018 11:28 AM Welcome home Oh Sparkly One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have missed you buddy
And although it could be this^^^ is not my joke


You're OFF THE LIST!!!!!!  
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Brlesq
Posted 10/29/2018 11:58 AM (#755356 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome back, old friend! Nice to see that your sarcastic demeanor hasn't been tempered by your absence.

Here's my joke:




(Pleasure Room.jpg)



Attachments
----------------
Attachments Pleasure Room.jpg (53KB - 36 downloads)
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SparklePony
Posted 10/29/2018 12:01 PM (#755357 - in reply to #755356)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Do you really need more cigars? Really? 
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Brlesq
Posted 10/29/2018 12:45 PM (#755358 - in reply to #755357)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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SparklePony - 10/29/2018 1:01 PM

Do you really need more cigars? Really? 



Lest you forget . . . I know what cigars you have, so YES, I could always smoke more of those.

And at least I didn't get disqualified yet like Chuck and Kent.


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Vroomp
Posted 10/29/2018 12:49 PM (#755359 - in reply to #755358)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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While on vacation one time we had three generations of men enjoying some good cigars on the deck by the lake.

My brother told my nephew he looked like a famous celebrity with that cigar hanging out of his mouth.

When my Nephew asked which one, my brother replied " Lassie taking a s**t!"\

 

       And welcome back John~!



Edited by Vroomp 10/29/2018 12:54 PM
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Cfickter
Posted 10/29/2018 1:44 PM (#755361 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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It's nice to know how little effort I need to exert to get disqualified from something!
Welcome back John, we missed you (OK, that was my PG 13 joke)
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SparklePony
Posted 10/29/2018 2:05 PM (#755365 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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When did you people become so boooooring?
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Chefjohn
Posted 10/29/2018 2:28 PM (#755366 - in reply to #755365)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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A priest and a New York City cab driver both pass away and stand before God. God rewards the cab driver with an enormous mansion while he gives the priest a small cottage. The priest asked God “Lord I committed my life to your service and have tried to stay faithful to it. Why did you reward the cab driver with such a great mansion while giving me just a small cottage?” God says to the priest “My son, that cab driver scared the hell out of more people than you ever did. “
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Brlesq
Posted 10/29/2018 2:32 PM (#755368 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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I recently met a chap with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it.

I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
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junglepete
Posted 10/29/2018 3:02 PM (#755369 - in reply to #755368)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome back!
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McBryde
Posted 10/29/2018 6:47 PM (#755384 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome Back John! I'm just coming back myself from a hiatus! Here you go:

2 guys were driving down the road and they see a dog sitting on the side of the road licking himself. One guy says to the other guy, "I sure do wish I could do that!" In which the other guy replies, " That dog would BITE YOU!"

E
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SparklePony
Posted 10/29/2018 7:18 PM (#755386 - in reply to #755384)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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McBryde - 10/29/2018 7:47 PM Welcome Back John! I'm just coming back myself from a hiatus! Here you go: 2 guys were driving down the road and they see a dog sitting on the side of the road licking himself. One guy says to the other guy, "I sure do wish I could do that!" In which the other guy replies, " That dog would BITE YOU!" E


hahahahaha!!  See? That's how it's done, folks. 
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shakinghorizons
Posted 10/29/2018 7:38 PM (#755388 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome back E!
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McBryde
Posted 10/29/2018 7:52 PM (#755390 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Thanks guys! Always good to be back around good friends and the other slap asses!

E
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Brlesq
Posted 10/29/2018 8:08 PM (#755391 - in reply to #755390)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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McBryde - 10/29/2018 8:52 PM

Thanks guys! Always good to be back around good friends and the other slap asses!

E


^^ Thread hijack

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McBryde
Posted 10/29/2018 8:43 PM (#755392 - in reply to #755391)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Brlesq - 10/29/2018 8:08 PM

McBryde - 10/29/2018 8:52 PM

Thanks guys! Always good to be back around good friends and the other slap asses!

E


^^ Thread hijack



Point Proven!



Edited by McBryde 10/29/2018 8:43 PM
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ntanner
Posted 10/29/2018 10:26 PM (#755397 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome back.

I met an older woman at a bar last night, She looked pretty good for 60. In fact she wasn't to bad at all and I thought to myself, she probably has a really hot daughter. We had a couple drinks and she asked if I had ever had a sportsman's double?
What's that I asked? It's a mother daughter threesome she said. My mind started to race as I embraced the idea and wondered what her daughter might look like. No I haven't I responded. We had a couple more drinks then she winked at me, stood up and said, tonight's you're lucky night. We went back to her place and walked inside. She flipped on the hall light and shouted upstairs. Mom, you still awake?
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Cox1211
Posted 10/30/2018 5:20 PM (#755415 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People


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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile. 

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junglepete
Posted 10/30/2018 8:21 PM (#755416 - in reply to #755352)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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The pope goes to meet the Queen of England...They are parading in the streets of London in a horse-drawn carriage and waving at the crowd. Suddenly one of the horses let’s out a big fart.

Queen: “So sorry...”

Pope: “Oh! If you hadn’t mentioned it, I would have thought it was the horse.”
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Brlesq
Posted 10/30/2018 8:47 PM (#755417 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Q: What's the difference between the Mayor of Boston and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

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jagfandaddy
Posted 10/30/2018 9:05 PM (#755418 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome Back!
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Cfickter
Posted 10/31/2018 9:11 AM (#755437 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Oooooooo! Ooooooo! I have one
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SparklePony
Posted 10/31/2018 1:26 PM (#755443 - in reply to #755437)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Cfickter - 10/31/2018 10:11 AM Oooooooo! Ooooooo! I have one


Ok. One. You get one...
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Cfickter
Posted 10/31/2018 3:16 PM (#755445 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”
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05Venturer
Posted 10/31/2018 7:16 PM (#755455 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Why are Redneck Murder cases the hardest to solve???

There are never any dental records
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biggsy16
Posted 10/31/2018 7:46 PM (#755457 - in reply to #755455)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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05Venturer - 10/31/2018 9:16 PM Why are Redneck Murder cases the hardest to solve??? There are never any dental records

 

That's freaking funny 

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Vanilla Gorilla
Posted 11/1/2018 8:25 AM (#755471 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome back. Since you've been gone I'll bring you up to date on some of the things you missed while you were away. You might think things are boring but we've had our fair share of excitement around here and this lull has been well earned.

Do you guys remember that Mexican poster who kept talking about how he wanted to kill people using trains? And how when we asked him why, he had all kinds of locomotives?

Or the little person who used to post here that claimed he was a fortune teller? He doesn't post here anymore cause he was accused of robbing a cigar store. They still haven't caught the guy. He's been a small medium at large ever since. 

Now I know this contest is probably just just open to American users, which is cool. I get it. To be honest us Canadians are getting used to the fact that we're like batteries around here. We've never included in anything.

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Jackal
Posted 11/1/2018 1:24 PM (#755477 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Great to see you back. I am trying to get back onto the site and smoking cigar again too.


Q: You are riding a horse at full speed. There is a giraffe right beside you and a lion nipping at you heels. What do you do?

A: Get off of the carousel and sober up.

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Koop
Posted 11/2/2018 12:19 PM (#755502 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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Brlesq
Posted 11/2/2018 1:15 PM (#755506 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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.



(stonehenge.jpg)



Attachments
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Attachments stonehenge.jpg (50KB - 37 downloads)
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SparklePony
Posted 11/2/2018 1:46 PM (#755508 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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You know, some of these are good. And good to see you, too, Jason! We need to chat about board games...
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Kid Montana
Posted 11/2/2018 2:29 PM (#755511 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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SparklePony distilled:

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CoreyMacLeod
Posted 11/2/2018 9:31 PM (#755528 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Location: I'm Behind You.

A woman sitting at her recently-deceased husband's funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, and says "Plethora," and sits back down.
"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."
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CoreyMacLeod
Posted 11/2/2018 9:31 PM (#755529 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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P.S. It's good to see you here. I've heard that you are fun in the herfs.
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Vanilla Gorilla
Posted 11/4/2018 6:02 AM (#755609 - in reply to #755508)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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SparklePony - 11/2/2018 3:46 PM You know, some of these are good. And good to see you, too, Jason! We need to chat about board games...

What kind of board games!?!
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nirab
Posted 11/4/2018 1:42 PM (#755638 - in reply to #755609)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Glittery, sparkling rainbow farts...welcome back brother!
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Rebecca Silverwolf
Posted 11/5/2018 12:05 AM (#755661 - in reply to #755609)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Vanilla Gorilla - 11/4/2018 7:02 AM

SparklePony - 11/2/2018 3:46 PM You know, some of these are good. And good to see you, too, Jason! We need to chat about board games...

What kind of board games!?!


The kind played on a board.
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Rebecca Silverwolf
Posted 11/5/2018 12:11 AM (#755662 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Okay, a one-liner for you.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
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bstessl
Posted 11/5/2018 4:55 AM (#755664 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Geeze, SparklePony posts a thread and everyone comes out of the woodwork.... What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

Edited by bstessl 11/5/2018 4:56 AM
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Kid Montana
Posted 11/5/2018 9:04 AM (#755670 - in reply to #755664)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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bstessl - 11/5/2018 2:55 AM

Geeze, SparklePony posts a thread and everyone comes out of the woodwork.... What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear


Brian, thats dad-joke grade. You need to step it up for a Sparklepony thread. Because Veteran's day is coming up, my submission:

One Sunday morning, a pastor noticed an unfamiliar member standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The churchgoer had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him, and said quietly, 'Good morning.'

'Good morning Pastor,' the churchgoer replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, the new churchgoer's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
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PETE314
Posted 11/6/2018 6:41 AM (#755717 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever", I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine", I said, "I want to die after the Browns win the Super Bowl!"

"You crafty bastard!", said the fairy.



This coming from a diehard Browns fan...lol
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Vanilla Gorilla
Posted 11/8/2018 7:39 AM (#755783 - in reply to #755661)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Rebecca Silverwolf - 11/5/2018 2:05 AM
Vanilla Gorilla - 11/4/2018 7:02 AM
SparklePony - 11/2/2018 3:46 PM You know, some of these are good. And good to see you, too, Jason! We need to chat about board games...

What kind of board games!?!
The kind played on a board.

ahahah ok that is a fair comment to make. 

The reason why I asked is I get hired to help people develop their Kickstarter campaigns for board game projects. I also am frequently hired to play test and preview/review board games before they become reality through crowdfunding campaigns.  
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Longhorn
Posted 11/8/2018 9:32 PM (#755816 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Your avatar is real cute... PF Changs will never be the same.

Elton John was in town last weekend and my wife landed tickets... we saw him the year we got married and my wife made sure to remind me of that as I was "forced" to go with her.

Never mind I had plans to smoke cigars and drink whisky the same night with a few friends (including Druff from this community).

Anyway, the concert turned out to be a good one as Elton played all his favorite hits and sang for nearly 3 hours.

As you know, Sparkle Pony, Elton John is great on a piano... but he sucks on an organ.
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SparklePony
Posted 11/9/2018 12:51 PM (#755835 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ^^^^!!!!!
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Cfickter
Posted 11/9/2018 2:06 PM (#755838 - in reply to #755835)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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SparklePony - 11/9/2018 1:51 PM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ^^^^!!!!!


Oh, so that is how it is, huh?
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Kman
Posted 11/12/2018 9:59 AM (#755910 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: Re: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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Welcome back oh sparkly one!!

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a foot long Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he is right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
"I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
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Brlesq
Posted 11/18/2018 10:37 AM (#757061 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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THIS IS BORING.

Bitch hasn't even checked in for 9 days. BUT I guess that makes us ALL a winner!





I know . . . now I'm disqualified too!






Edited by Brlesq 11/18/2018 12:42 PM
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Brlesq
Posted 11/21/2018 8:54 AM (#757187 - in reply to #755350)
Subject: RE: The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People



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This is like watching paint dry . . .



Oh wait!!





(dog-paint-me.jpg)



Attachments
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Attachments dog-paint-me.jpg (62KB - 35 downloads)
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