A priest and a New York City cab driver both pass away and stand before God. God rewards the cab driver with an enormous mansion while he gives the priest a small cottage. The priest asked God “Lord I committed my life to your service and have tried to stay faithful to it. Why did you reward the cab driver with such a great mansion while giving me just a small cottage?” God says to the priest “My son, that cab driver scared the hell out of more people than you ever did. “
Welcome Back John! I'm just coming back myself from a hiatus! Here you go:
2 guys were driving down the road and they see a dog sitting on the side of the road licking himself. One guy says to the other guy, "I sure do wish I could do that!" In which the other guy replies, " That dog would BITE YOU!"
McBryde - 10/29/2018 7:47 PM Welcome Back John! I'm just coming back myself from a hiatus! Here you go: 2 guys were driving down the road and they see a dog sitting on the side of the road licking himself. One guy says to the other guy, "I sure do wish I could do that!" In which the other guy replies, " That dog would BITE YOU!" E
I met an older woman at a bar last night, She looked pretty good for 60. In fact she wasn't to bad at all and I thought to myself, she probably has a really hot daughter. We had a couple drinks and she asked if I had ever had a sportsman's double?
What's that I asked? It's a mother daughter threesome she said. My mind started to race as I embraced the idea and wondered what her daughter might look like. No I haven't I responded. We had a couple more drinks then she winked at me, stood up and said, tonight's you're lucky night. We went back to her place and walked inside. She flipped on the hall light and shouted upstairs. Mom, you still awake?
Welcome back. Since you've been gone I'll bring you up to date on some of the things you missed while you were away. You might think things are boring but we've had our fair share of excitement around here and this lull has been well earned.
Do you guys remember that Mexican poster who kept talking about how he wanted to kill people using trains? And how when we asked him why, he had all kinds of locomotives?
Or the little person who used to post here that claimed he was a fortune teller? He doesn't post here anymore cause he was accused of robbing a cigar store. They still haven't caught the guy. He's been a small medium at large ever since.
Now I know this contest is probably just just open to American users, which is cool. I get it. To be honest us Canadians are getting used to the fact that we're like batteries around here. We've never included in anything.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
A woman sitting at her recently-deceased husband's funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, and says "Plethora," and sits back down.
"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."
Geeze, SparklePony posts a thread and everyone comes out of the woodwork.... What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
Brian, thats dad-joke grade. You need to step it up for a Sparklepony thread. Because Veteran's day is coming up, my submission:
One Sunday morning, a pastor noticed an unfamiliar member standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The churchgoer had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him, and said quietly, 'Good morning.'
'Good morning Pastor,' the churchgoer replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, the new churchgoer's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
SparklePony - 11/2/2018 3:46 PM You know, some of these are good. And good to see you, too, Jason! We need to chat about board games...
What kind of board games!?!
The kind played on a board.
ahahah ok that is a fair comment to make.
The reason why I asked is I get hired to help people develop their Kickstarter campaigns for board game projects. I also am frequently hired to play test and preview/review board games before they become reality through crowdfunding campaigns.
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a foot long Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he is right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
"I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"