Dad Jokes

Started by toby3, 11/22/2017 07:21 AM

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toby3

I saw one of these on a firearms forum I was on a while back and got some good ones so I figured why not here. Everyone posted their best "dad" joke. I'll start with two.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You knpw we have a drink named after you?" The grasshoper says, "You have a drink named Irving?"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he goes to pay the bartender says, "For you, no charge."
The Pope outlawed cigarettes in the Vatican but did nothing to cigars. What does that tell you?

biggsy16

Everyday I look in the mirror,i look more like my old dad,i know he's up there laughing his ass off.
Never done being a Dad

PETE314

Three guys walk into a bar...



You'd have thought one of them would have ducked....
I thought I was wrong once....but I was mistaken....

What good is it to wear your lucky rocketship underpants if nobody wants to see them????

gitfiddl

Every time we would leave on a family trip, Dad would holler like a train conductor "All aboard that's going aboard!  All those that can't get aboard get a plank!"

 :biggrin:

Self-appointed Guru of Pass Container Sizing,  All Things Midgetly Stripperish, and general "Stirrer of the Puddin'".

Otter

R, Otter
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Mautrak

Those were horrible.  And I read all of them to my wife, while laughing.  If I could find my kids, I'd read them to the kids too!

toby3

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here.
The Pope outlawed cigarettes in the Vatican but did nothing to cigars. What does that tell you?

toby3

Why do chicken coupes only have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans.
The Pope outlawed cigarettes in the Vatican but did nothing to cigars. What does that tell you?

toby3

I went to the grocery store and bought a gallon of milk. The cashier asked if I would like a bag for my milk. I said no, just leave it in the carton.
The Pope outlawed cigarettes in the Vatican but did nothing to cigars. What does that tell you?

danb6177

Quotetoby3 - 11/24/2017  6:54 PM

I went to the grocery store and bought a gallon of milk. The cashier asked if I would like a bag for my milk. I said no, just leave it in the carton.

Funny. I do similar when they ask if I want a bag for my beer. I tell em no im gonna drink it in the car and they all give me the same look lol
I used to sit outside all night and drink bud lite and smoke Marlboros and everyone thought I was a bum. Now I sit outside all night and drink craft beers and smoke cigars and everyone thinks I have class.
-----
Money cant buy happiness but it CAN buy cigars

danb6177

#10
Bad dad joke but I can't help myself when I pass a cemetery.

Me- you guys know how many people are dead in there?

Kids- no maybe 500?

Me- all of them : )
I used to sit outside all night and drink bud lite and smoke Marlboros and everyone thought I was a bum. Now I sit outside all night and drink craft beers and smoke cigars and everyone thinks I have class.
-----
Money cant buy happiness but it CAN buy cigars

toby3

Quotedanb6177 - 11/24/2017  6:20 PM

Bad dad joke but I can't help myself when I pass a cemetery.

Me- you guys know how many people are dead in there?

Kids- no maybe 500?

Me- all of them : )

 :lmao:
The Pope outlawed cigarettes in the Vatican but did nothing to cigars. What does that tell you?

05Venturer

Son; Dad why is my sister named Rose?
Dad; Because Roses are your mothers favorite.
Son; Oh, Ok thanks Dad
Dad; No problem B.J.
Kent
 Guru of Cynicism & Cigars

"Pump the brakes; you take your shirt off but leave your sunglasses on?" "What sort of backwards !@#$ing pageantry is that?" "You going to fight with those shades or play pokerstars.com?"

Cap10_Morgan

A friend and I were on a boat, drinking whiskey, when he pulled out some cigars.  He forgot to bring any matches or lighters, so I took one of the cigars and threw it overboard.  The whole boat became a cigar lighter.
"A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores." -Klinger, M*A*S*H

klamm143

:biggrin:      :cheer:     :lmao:
Kevin R. Lamm

It is what it is - and these things too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone - but IT WILL PASS.

Stix

Amish couple and their son make their first journey to the mall.  wife Anna says to husband Amos, "i'm going into this crafts store to buy some yarn." Amos and son Caleb sit out in the atrium of the mall waiting.  They are in front of an elevator which they have never seen before. An old lady with a walker gets in and the elevator doors close.  A minute later the elevator comes back down and a beautiful blond in a miniskirt comes out and walks away. Amos looks at his son Caleb and says slowly, "Go get your mother".

toby2

QuoteStix - 5/11/2018  11:15 PM  Amish couple and their son make their first journey to the mall.  wife Anna says to husband Amos, "i'm going into this crafts store to buy some yarn." Amos and son Caleb sit out in the atrium of the mall waiting.  They are in front of an elevator which they have never seen before. An old lady with a walker gets in and the elevator doors close.  A minute later the elevator comes back down and a beautiful blond in a miniskirt comes out and walks away. Amos looks at his son Caleb and says slowly, "Go get your mother".

 

:biggrin:  those whiskers were getting a bit long on mom heh.....  


nathanw13

#17
Anyone who has been around me drinking gets the Panda joke.

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
Our country has plenty of five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.

Will Rogers

Chrisbr549

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says "Make me one with everything"

Brlesq

QuoteChrisbr549 - 3/24/2022  3:33 PM

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says "Make me one with everything"

 :lmao:
Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


shakinghorizons

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was searching for Pooh.


Have you heard diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes.


Why did an old man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino


Two goldfish were in a tank, one looks at the other and says. "You know how to drive this thing?"


What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O Furniture.


Why isn't a koala considered a bear?
It doesn't meet the koalafications.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory



Murphy223

My wife told me I was terrible with directions.

I was so mad,  I packed up my things and right


   
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