The Bitch is Back: A Contest For Classy People

Started by SparklePony, 10/29/2018 10:50 AM

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SparklePony

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah! 

So I've heard (and seen) that this place has gotten pretty tame and kinda quiet. That's completely unacceptable. So let's liven it up around here. 

First, tell me your best PG-13 joke. Extra bonus points if it's about cigars. 

At my sole discretion, if I like your joke, I might, just *might* reward you with some well-aged, HTF cigars. 

If you disappoint me, you will be punished. 

Don't disappoint me. 

P.S. cfickter is disqualified from this contest. I've heard all his jokes. 
Yes, it's a pineapple hat.  No, you can't put your cigar out in it.


shakinghorizons


05Venturer

Welcome home Oh Sparkly One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have missed you buddy
Kent
 Guru of Cynicism & Cigars

"Pump the brakes; you take your shirt off but leave your sunglasses on?" "What sort of backwards !@#$ing pageantry is that?" "You going to fight with those shades or play pokerstars.com?"

Murphy223

A guy walks into a bar & asks for the Wifi Password:

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Guy: OK, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi ok?

Guy: Sure. How much ?

Bartender: $3.

Guy: Here you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

05Venturer

#4
Quote05Venturer - 10/29/2018  11:28 AM

Welcome home Oh Sparkly One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have missed you buddy

And although it could be this^^^ is not my joke  :lmao:
Kent
 Guru of Cynicism & Cigars

"Pump the brakes; you take your shirt off but leave your sunglasses on?" "What sort of backwards !@#$ing pageantry is that?" "You going to fight with those shades or play pokerstars.com?"

SparklePony

Quote05Venturer - 10/29/2018  12:29 PM  
Quote05Venturer - 10/29/2018  11:28 AM  Welcome home Oh Sparkly One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have missed you buddy
And although it could be this^^^ is not my joke  :lmao:

You're OFF THE LIST!!!!!!  
Yes, it's a pineapple hat.  No, you can't put your cigar out in it.


Brlesq

Welcome back, old friend!  Nice to see that your sarcastic demeanor hasn't been tempered by your absence.

Here's my joke:
Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


SparklePony

Do you really need more cigars? Really? 
Yes, it's a pineapple hat.  No, you can't put your cigar out in it.


Brlesq

QuoteSparklePony - 10/29/2018  1:01 PM

Do you really need more cigars? Really? 


Lest you forget . . . I know what cigars you have, so YES, I could always smoke more of those.  :cigarman:

And at least I didn't get disqualified yet like Chuck and Kent. :moon:
 :loser:  :loser:

Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


Vroomp

#9

While on vacation one time we had three generations of men enjoying  some good cigars on the deck by the lake.

My brother told my nephew he  looked like a famous celebrity with that cigar hanging out of his mouth.

 When my Nephew asked which one, my brother replied " Lassie taking a  s**t!"\

 

       And welcome back John~!

Guru of Not Following the Rules


Cigar smoking knows no politics. It's about the pursuit of pleasure, taste, and aroma. -Anon

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It is the same when you are stupid....



Cfickter

It's nice to know how little effort I need to exert to get disqualified from something!
Welcome back John, we missed you (OK, that was my PG 13 joke)
Guru Master of the Minions

Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a department of our government!

Gunga galunga ... gunga, gunga-lagunga." - Carl Spackler

Education is important, cigars are importanter!

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me





SparklePony

When did you people become so boooooring?
Yes, it's a pineapple hat.  No, you can't put your cigar out in it.


Chefjohn

A priest and a New York City cab driver both pass away and stand before God. God rewards the cab driver with an enormous mansion while he gives the priest a small cottage. The priest asked God "Lord I committed my life to your service and have tried to stay faithful to it. Why did you reward the cab driver with such a great mansion while giving me just a small cottage?" God says to the priest "My son, that cab driver scared the hell out of more people than you ever did. "
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Brlesq

I recently met a chap with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it.

I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


junglepete

Guru of Frugality

"It is your decisions, not your conditions that shape your life."  ~Tony Robbins~

McBryde

Welcome Back John! I'm just coming back myself from a hiatus! Here you go:

2 guys were driving down the road and they see a dog sitting on the side of the road licking himself. One guy says to the other guy, "I sure do wish I could do that!" In which the other guy replies, " That dog would BITE YOU!"

E
"A man's character is told by what he does when nobody else is around."

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading" -- Thomas Jefferson


SparklePony

QuoteMcBryde - 10/29/2018  7:47 PM  Welcome Back John! I'm just coming back myself from a hiatus! Here you go:  2 guys were driving down the road and they see a dog sitting on the side of the road licking himself. One guy says to the other guy, "I sure do wish I could do that!" In which the other guy replies, " That dog would BITE YOU!"  E

hahahahaha!!  See? That's how it's done, folks. 
Yes, it's a pineapple hat.  No, you can't put your cigar out in it.


shakinghorizons


McBryde

Thanks guys! Always good to be back around good friends and the other slap asses!

E
"A man's character is told by what he does when nobody else is around."

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading" -- Thomas Jefferson


Brlesq

QuoteMcBryde - 10/29/2018  8:52 PM

Thanks guys! Always good to be back around good friends and the other slap asses!

E

^^ Thread hijack

Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


McBryde

#20
QuoteBrlesq - 10/29/2018  8:08 PM

QuoteMcBryde - 10/29/2018  8:52 PM

Thanks guys! Always good to be back around good friends and the other slap asses!

E

^^ Thread hijack


Point Proven!

 :moon:  :moon:  :moon:
"A man's character is told by what he does when nobody else is around."

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading" -- Thomas Jefferson


ntanner

Welcome back.

I met an older woman at a bar last night, She looked pretty good for 60. In fact she wasn't to bad at all and I thought to myself, she probably has a really hot daughter. We had a couple drinks and she asked if I had ever had a sportsman's double?
 What's that I asked? It's a mother daughter threesome she said. My mind started to race as I embraced the idea and wondered what her daughter might look like. No I haven't I responded. We had a couple more drinks then she winked at me, stood up and said, tonight's you're lucky night. We went back to her place and walked inside. She flipped on the hall light and shouted upstairs. Mom, you still awake?
I am not concerned about what you think as I can tell you don't do it often.

I used to be a people person, but then people ruined that for me.

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn't.

Cox1211

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile. 


junglepete

The pope goes to meet the Queen of England...They are parading in the streets of London in a horse-drawn carriage and waving at the crowd. Suddenly one of the horses let's out a big fart.

Queen: "So sorry..."

Pope: "Oh! If you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought it was the horse."
Guru of Frugality

"It is your decisions, not your conditions that shape your life."  ~Tony Robbins~

Brlesq

Q: What's the difference between the Mayor of Boston and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!



   
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