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Random quote: "Burn them...one by one... slowly" James Humes
- (Added by: burn1)



Some weekend humor
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ntanner
Posted 2/2/2019 10:50 AM (#762277)
Subject: Some weekend humor



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My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote

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Chefjohn
Posted 2/2/2019 11:01 AM (#762279 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: RE: Some weekend humor



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Brlesq
Posted 2/2/2019 11:10 AM (#762280 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor



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Funny stuff!
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biggsy16
Posted 2/2/2019 12:27 PM (#762282 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor



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Funny but true
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amigodecigars
Posted 2/2/2019 12:39 PM (#762283 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: RE: Some weekend humor



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1. The Jewish Elbow.

2. The Italian Grandfather

3.  The Irish Blonde

 

1.        The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.. Come inside, the elevator is on the right Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........

"What . . . .       You're coming empty handed?"

 

2.        Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

 

3.        Irish Blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching"

 

MORAL OF the Story

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ... but all men...are men!

 

      

 

 

__._,_.___




http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=97359714/grpId=3523627/grpspId=1705472078/msgId=26537/stime=1548972822/nc1=1234567/nc2=2/nc3=3
http://y.analytics.yahoo.com/fpc.pl?ywarid=515FB27823A7407E&a=10001310322279&js=no&resp=img&cf12=CP

 

 


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ntanner
Posted 2/2/2019 5:16 PM (#762288 - in reply to #762283)
Subject: RE: Some weekend humor



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benchjockey
Posted 2/2/2019 8:30 PM (#762291 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor


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Thanks for putting a smile on my face guys.
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appollo
Posted 2/2/2019 9:01 PM (#762292 - in reply to #762288)
Subject: RE: Some weekend humor



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shakinghorizons
Posted 2/2/2019 10:46 PM (#762295 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor



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Thanks guys, these are incredible!
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Murphy223
Posted 2/3/2019 12:24 PM (#762310 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor



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Funny and Sad at the same time .
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ntanner
Posted 2/3/2019 1:59 PM (#762314 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor



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One more to round out the weekend.


As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.
Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.

Edited by ntanner 2/3/2019 1:59 PM
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Brlesq
Posted 2/3/2019 3:23 PM (#762318 - in reply to #762314)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor



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ntanner - 2/3/2019 2:59 PM

One more to round out the weekend.


As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step.
Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.


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benchjockey
Posted 2/3/2019 3:39 PM (#762319 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor


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Neal is on a roll. Another funny one.
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Beegerply
Posted 2/4/2019 7:07 AM (#762338 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: RE: Some weekend humor



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lyonbert
Posted 2/14/2019 6:12 PM (#762773 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: Re: Some weekend humor


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ROFL!
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klamm143
Posted 2/15/2019 8:09 PM (#762811 - in reply to #762277)
Subject: RE: Some weekend humor



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LMAO
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